When I was parenting a newborn baby I really struggled to accept her dependence on me.  I entered parenthood with the idea that I would be loving and nurturing, but I would also encourage independence.  When it came to newborn care, this meant I wouldn’t hold my baby 24-7, I wouldn’t be overly responsive to her grunts and squeaks in the middle of the night, and I would let her know that it was ok to be in this world on her own.  Two years later, it now sounds so unrealistic and a little harsh to have approached parenting this way, but I think this parenting approach is more common than its counterpart – attachment parenting. Our culture is one that highly values independence, so of course it is something we want to teach our babies at a young age. Unfortunately for me, popular ideas about parenting, plus my own expectations, made it really difficult to accept the reality of my child’s needs.  Spoiler alert: she was not on board with my ideas about independence.  I’m now expecting my second baby and thinking about how I can approach the newborn phase in a more realistic way, while also meeting my need for a little shred of independence.

In preparing for this post I started thinking about why I struggled to parent in the way my baby clearly needed.  I think it was a mixture of outside influences and my own personal issues. There are certainly many ideas about parenting in America.  Though attachment parenting has been around for decades, and is rooted in evolutionary childcare, it is still not a mainstream parenting approach in the US.  I would venture to say the mainstream approach to parenting , even newborns, emphasizes parent control, fostering independence, and maintaining firm boundaries and limits around childrens’ behavior. The ideas I had about parenting, based on cultural norms, my parents’ advice, and mainstream medical advice, didn’t meet my child’s needs and they made it difficult for me to engage in the type of parenting that would have soothed baby and probably made my life easier.

My first challenge in accepting what my baby needed was tuning out all the outside influences.  My parents, my in-laws, and even my parentless friends and family all freely shared their ideas on how babies should act and how parents should respond.  I internalized the ideas that lined up with my world view and disregarded those that didn’t. I certainly have many friends who practice attachment parenting, whether they call it that or not, but I didn’t think that would be right for me.  It seemed too demanding on the mother.  It also seemed like it would elongate the period of dependence.  I wanted to be responsive to my child, but also nudge her towards independence as fast as possible.  When my daughter arrived and she seemed to want to be held all the time, sleep on my chest, and nurse every hour I had a hard time aligning all the outside information I’d gathered over a lifetime with my present reality. Which leads me to the second major challenge – my own expectations and baggage.

I’m sort of separating these two issues as outside and inside of myself, but really they are intertwined in a messy web of thoughts and feelings.  I wouldn’t have my personal expectations, beliefs, and values if I didn’t live in this particular culture, grow up in my family, or make friends with my friends.  It’s all come together to create my identity. That identity happens to be that of someone who, you guessed it, values independence.  I also have a strong desire to be successful and competent.  So, imagine me in the first few weeks postpartum.  I can barely walk, I am literally being fed by my mother because I’m holding a baby all the time, and I feel like I have no idea what I am doing.  I also feel like I can’t figure this new situation out.  There are no clear answers.  One glaringly obvious fact is that my baby needs me desperately, almost all the time. But I am not sure I’m ok with that level of need.  I thought I would be able to have some breaks.  I thought I would sleep more than an hour at a time. I thought I would feel more confident.  Parenting has been hugely challenging for me from day one because I am constantly battling my expectations and worrying about the future.  Whether it’s wanting more independence or wanting more control I find that the hardest moments in parenting come when I attach myself to a particular outcome. Finding ways to tune out unhelpful parenting advice and adjust my expectations has definitely been an ongoing journey.  What has helped along the way is remembering self-care, connecting with a like-minded support network, and relying on professional advice that aligned with my experience.

Self-care for me takes many forms throughout the day.  I find myself doing a lot of internal dialoguing about parenting.  Some constant themes are: stay in the moment, let go of expectations, stop worrying about the future, and accept how things are now – knowing they will shift.  These are thoughts I try to come back to when my automatic or negative thoughts start swirling.  I also know that I need to take some breaks from my daughter. When she was a newborn this was more challenging. I also tried to set up situations where my partner could take the baby for a bit.  Our routine changed so much in those first few months, but any moments where I knew baby was happy and fed and would stay with my partner for an hour were moments that I snuck away for a nap, shower, walk, snack, or baby free conversation.  For me carving out moments each day to prioritize myself was key in surviving the high level of dependence my newborn had on me.

The second key for me in surviving the intense newborn attachment days was creating a good social support network. I was lucky to be integrated into a community of moms who seemed to fluidly meet their babies’ needs. While I know they all experienced challenges at times, they all also seemed loving, responsive, and accepting of their baby’s needs.  I found that asking for details about how they manage certain situations helped me know I was not alone in my experience.  Anytime I could dig below the surface level and hear another mom’s challenges and successes it was validating of my own experiences.

Finally, I found professional resources that connected with my experience.  Some resources that worked for me were La Leche League meetings, books and leaders, Dr. Sears’ books and website askdrsears.com and Peaceful Parent Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham. I won’t say that following any of these resources came naturally for me, but their advice usually aligned with what my child’s needs seem to be.  Often what I got from these resources was validation that I was doing the right thing, even if it went against my initial expectations. I am still on this journey. I now see that my daughter can be independent when it suits her, and that our connection and my availability to her over the past two years has created that independent, resilient and confident child I’d hoped for.

If you find yourself overwhelmed by your baby’s need for attachment to you, it’s ok.  This is hard.  There’s a good chance that you weren’t expecting to be so needed, and I totally get that.  You are not alone.  Make sure to be compassionate with yourself and keep doing the best you can to love and nurture your baby.