When I was about 16 I got a job at the local pizzeria. I was really excited for the job and eager to earn some extra cash. It only took a few shifts, though, for me to start dreading work. I never learned the menu very well – all the Italian dishes beyond pizza were completely foreign to me. I also didn’t have any supervision after a few training shifts. It was just 16 year old me running the front of the restaurant with a couple of prickly cooks in the back. I can’t tell you the number of orders I messed up, the bills that were inaccurate, and the nasty looks I got from the cooks. I never got the hang of things. Before each shift, I was always so nervous about what would happen that day at work. I lived in fear of customers asking me questions. Without thorough training and a nurturing supervisor I floundered. Eventually I quit in a huff after messing up and getting yelled at by the cook…again. At the time I blamed myself for not being a better waitress. Now, after half a dozen successful restaurant jobs, I realize it was not just my poor skills but also the lack of support I received. I wasn’t given a grace period. There was no manual, no restaurant orientation, and certainly no oversight. Without the structure and supervision I needed I wasn’t able to develop the skills to do my job.
Why am I telling you about my first worst job? Because I had many of the same feelings of ineptitude, fear, and anxiety about my performance as a mom when my daughter was first born. Of course we’ve all heard people describe full-time parenting as a job with no pay, but we don’t do enough talking about the similarities between becoming a new mother and starting a new job. Like my terrible pizza joint job, sometimes becoming a mom feels like being thrown into a busy restaurant or store without the proper training, without an approachable supervisor, and with no new employee manual.
Even though I was having a hard time feeling competent as a new mom, the idea of motherhood as a new job really didn’t click for me until I started learning more about postpartum mental health for my professional development. Thinking about how other women might experience this transition helped me find some compassion for myself. It was in this training that a speaker really emphasized the idea that becoming a mom is like starting a new job. Just the mental activity of remembering how long it took to feel confident at my last job helped me accept some of the challenges I was experiencing as a new mom. When I started considering motherhood as a new job my struggles made so much more sense to me.
For me, the first few months on a new job are a very uncomfortable time. I never like the feeling that I don’t know what I’m doing. It is hard for me to be vulnerable and ask for advice. I also sometimes feel ambivalent about the new change to my routine. There are times I fantasize about quitting. Overall starting a new job is one of the most anxiety provoking transitions I’ve gone through. Luckily, I’ve done it several times, so I have a lot of evidence to assure me that it usually works out OK. Once I started thinking about the postpartum adjustment period like the early days on a new job I was able to understand all of the emotions, stress, and anxiety I was experiencing as a new mom. I also gained the perspective that, like a new job, mothering would likely get easier and more satisfying.
On top of the usual challenges that come with beginning a new job, motherhood has it’s own unique set of obstacles. I really didn’t get the training I needed to do my job as a mom. We have a culture of keeping quiet about the challenges of becoming a new mom which means we don’t prepare expectant moms very well. Also, I didn’t have a nurturing supervisor to gently guide me towards mastery of my new position. In the best jobs I’ve had there’s been a trusted supervisor I relied on to help me figure out the new job. We have an idea in our culture that women should be able to do the job of mothering independently. This can lead to shame and guilt about needing support. I’d venture to guess there are many new moms wishing they had a trusted supervisor to check in with regularly. Finally, I didn’t have time off or regular breaks to catch my breath and regroup. If you are in the early days of mothering you know that there are almost no breaks. It can be hard to even meet your basic needs. There is no clocking out. Without solid training, supervision, and regular breaks, it is not surprising that I felt uncertain and overwhelmed during the first year of motherhood.
Moth
erhood is a life-long career, and becoming a mom is like starting any new job. This shift in thinking was really transformational for me. By comparing the transition into motherhood to a transition into a new job I found a way to cut myself some slack. I allowed myself to make mistakes, to feel anxious about getting things right, and to admit I was uncertain that this was the “career” for me. As the weeks turned into months I slowly did figure out my new job. I have come to feel confident as a mother and I feel much more adjusted to this routine than I did immediately after my daughter was born.
Here are some strategies I used to get through the first few months of this new job.
1. I spent time reflecting on all the thoughts and feelings that go along with having a new job and noticed any overlap with my current thoughts and feelings. (For example: How long will it take before I feel comfortable at the office? What should I wear? Will I be able to do this job? Will anyone figure out I don’t know what I’m doing? Will people like me? Will I get along with my supervisor? Feeling nervous, anxious, and ambivalent). You could do this as a writing exercise or simply think it through. Notice any similarities?
2. I thought about how I had survived new jobs or big life transitions in the past. (For example: I remembered that after a while I inevitably start to feel comfortable at a new job. I thought about how asking questions and admitting when I don’t know something helps me get the support I need to be successful. I also thought about how finding someone I connect well with at work helps a ton). What helped you adjust to your last job?
3. I started talking about what I was going through. I tried to be brave and honest with other mothers, friends and family. This opened the door for others to share their stories and reassure me that I was not alone. There’s no motherhood supervisor so I sought the advice of trusted friends and family who seemed to parent in a way that connected with my approach. Who could you talk to about this experience that will be open and honest?
4. I tried to find ways to practice self-care to manage my anxiety about this new role and my grief over the loss of my previous life. For me this meant getting out of the house, watching favorite TV shows, asking for family to come visit to keep me company, going to visit family if I was feeling lonely, filling my house with treats I enjoy like tea and chocolate, and finding time to exercise. While I couldn’t clock out after an eight hour shift, having a small break when I knew I could check out really helped me re-energize for the next shift.
5. I looked for articles, books, and blogs that confirmed what I was going through. We hope you are getting a sense of normalcy from reading our blog.