36 Weeks Pregnant with Baby # 1

I am about six months pregnant with my second child. I am also the co-founder of NMP.  I think about the postpartum period a lot.  I talk about postpartum often.  I am always trying to figure out what might help expectant mamas have an easier transition into motherhood than I had.  When I was pregnant I really didn’t think much about what life would be like after the baby came.  There were the basics of newborn care, but I never really considered the momentous identity shift that was about to occur.  I barely even thought about what the physical recovery from birth would be like.  I can’t go back in time, so I’ll never know if things would have been better if I knew then what I know now.  I am hopeful that my awareness going into my second postpartum period will help ease that transition just a bit.  It’s like the difference between starting my very first job and my tenth job.  I know it will still be challenging, but I also know that it will get easier.

Here are10 things I wish I knew before having my first baby.

1. My baby is not going to sleep through the night anytime within the first year.  Boom! I said it. No delusions about gently encouraging longer sleep.  No belief that sleep progression is linear.  Just the cold hard truth – not going to happen (at least not for me). Accept, cope, move on.
2. My newborn is going to need to sleep on my chest for a little while.  I swear no one told me that there may be a few nights or weeks that the baby just won’t sleep unless she is on top of you.  Naturally I thought it was just my baby that has this problem.  After talking with lots of parents I now know that this is how many newborns sleep. Knowing this ahead of time would have saved me a lot of fretting in the wee hours of the morning.
3. I will regret my decision to have a kid during the early days of motherhood. Yup, I remember thinking that I had made a horrible mistake.  I remember wondering why I ever wanted to give up my perfect adult life for this suffer-fest of parenting.  It felt terrible. I wasn’t sure how I would get past those thoughts. I didn’t think I should tell anyone, but I did.  Other moms empathized and related similar feelings. Things slowly got better and I don’t miss my old life too much these days.
4. My baby needs to be held by me all the time – and that’s OK. If you’ve read any of my other posts you might know that I was always trying to put my baby down.  I didn’t want to start a bad habit.  This meant I spent a lot of time focused on transitioning a sleeping baby from my arms to a crib or swing.  When I look back, I think of all the hours I could have just been sitting on the couch reading or watching TV.  At the time it felt suffocating, but it now sounds luxurious.
5. Physically recovering from birth is intense and takes some time.  I’m not sure what I thought it would be like, but I was totally wiped out from birth. This was unexpected and unnerving. Now I know that my body may be weak and wounded from birth, it may take a while to heal, but it will get better.
6. It really is more helpful to watch the baby rather than the clock when it comes to feeding. Yes, I downloaded the nursing timer.  I timed every nursing session for the first several weeks.  I also made sure to nurse her ever two hours like the books said – no more and no less.  Wow, that did not work at all for us!  Turns out my baby wasn’t really drinking much – just taking a few sips and falling asleep at my breast. This meant slow weight gain and my body thinking it didn’t need to make much milk.  I wish I understood what active drinking looks like and I wish that I watched my baby instead of the clock.
7. Yes, I am going to get the baby blues. I’ve never been a big crier and I am often praised for my calm demeanor.  But when it comes to parenting and postpartum I am going to weep like a baby without explanation. I am also going to find it hard to regulate my emotions and find my usual calm self.
8. Motherhood will make me feel more vulnerable than I ever have before. I suddenly felt so unsure of myself.  I questioned my identity, my ability, my wellness, my body…everything.  I felt nervous being in public and started to care what others think about me in a way that felt similar to adolescence.  I felt like my struggles were obvious to everyone and that I was the only one feeling this way.
9. I will feel alone in my challenges, but I’m not – people just aren’t telling me about their challenges.  I’m so glad that I have a mother who doesn’t sugar coat things.  I remember the best thing she did for me when my daughter was born was say “Oh my gosh, you are bringing me back, I remember feeling the same exact way.”  What a relief it was to know that I wasn’t the only one.  The same can be said for the close friends I talked to on a regular basis who also shared their challenges.  Now I know that the transition to parenting is hard for everyone – they’re just not talking about it much.
10. Spending time worrying about how my choices today will shape my baby’s behavior down the road is going to cause a lot of frustration. This time around I’m calling my approach the “do nothing” approach.  I will be doing a lot of breastfeeding, holding, and nurturing, but I will not be doing a lot of establishing routines or trying to teach my baby good habits.  I found that my energy was better spent trying to go with the flow than trying to make my baby fit my expectations.

That is just a short list of what I wish I had known going into motherhood.  My hope is that having gone through it once I will be better equipped to deal with the realities of having a newborn. Of course now I will also have a three year old to parent as well. If you’re interested to see how it all goes stay tuned to our blog for regular musings on my parenting mishaps.

What do you wish you had known going into motherhood?  Share your comments below.