Most of us struggle to some degree during our postpartum days. From questioning why we have gotten ourselves into this to yearning for just 10 minutes of uninterrupted shower time, new mamas feel overwhelmed, anxious, and tired. Both of us at New Mama Project felt alone at times, wondering why we’d never heard of anybody else feeling this way. We searched the internet for stories of other moms who were going through or had gone through what we were, but couldn’t find much. Where were the mamas who were struggling like us? Was anybody else finding this new postpartum adjustment to be hard? We wanted real talk on postpartum and couldn’t find it. We didn’t know where to turn with our thoughts either. Could we utter the words we were thinking? Were we bad mothers for wishing it was different?
If you’re in the middle of your postpartum days, and wondering if anybody else is finding it as challenging as you are, rest assured that they are. They’re just not saying much about it because it doesn’t feel safe to speak that truth. The dominant culture in our society expects us to be in baby bliss and to post pictures of ourselves looking perfect and snuggling our babies to Facebook and Instagram 10 times a day! What we’ve learned, however, even in speaking with moms who had relatively easy postpartum periods, that almost all new moms had hard moments during this transition. We’re challenging the status quo of a blissful and easy transition and trying to create a safe space for mothers to talk about the hard parts and the not so pretty thoughts during their postpartum days.
Recently, we set out to talk with moms, asking them to share their truths about their postpartum experiences. We were struck by how vividly they remembered their postpartum period, even if it was years ago for some of them. And so many of them agreed with our belief that sharing our truth and struggles during those hard days can be so healing. Nobody should have to carry that weight alone.
We asked these mamas five questions:
- Would you share one thought you had during your postpartum period that you were afraid to say out loud?
- What was the hardest part about your postpartum days?
- What would you say to postpartum moms who are struggling right now?
- What tips would you give postpartum moms to help them get the support they need?
- What self-care tips would you give postpartum moms?
Today, we’re sharing their answers to the first two questions. We’ll follow up later this week with their thoughts and tips for postpartum moms. We hope you can find comfort in their words, knowing you’re not alone, and knowing that, you too, will be on the other side of this some day soon.
Heather shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: I regretted having my first at times. I felt I was in over my head and felt I had made a mistake. I just wanted to go back to the way things were. I loved her so much, but I was very overwhelmed.
The hardest part: The hardest part was being so sleep deprived and having no help.
Joanna shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: Do I really have what it takes to be a good mother?! This stemmed from me, who had zero experience babysitting babies (and had only babysat toddlers a few times in college). I was learning everything first hand with my son. He was the first baby I diapered, clothed, bathed, put to sleep, etc. I almost wish I had been more prepared, since learning it all at once was just a lot, and at times a bit stressful.
The hardest part: The hardest part of my pp days was the fact that it was the middle of winter (in New England), so there were very cold, short days (sunlight-wise) and I couldn’t get my natural dosage of Vitamin D. There was lots of snow and slippery ice outside (not able to go out and do stroller walks, etc.). It was tough having to stay inside so much especially for me, since I love being outdoors year-round. (However, I was thrilled that I was able to go skiing just 4 weeks after giving birth to my son since I was convinced I was more than likely going to miss the entire ski season.) In addition, I did have some close friends who were having babies during the same time I was, but they all lived far away. So, at that time I didn’t know any other local moms with babies (or local mom/baby groups), and I really wanted to meet some! Again, it being the middle of old man winter didn’t easily motivate many moms with newborns to get out much beyond the grocery store. Talk about some major cabin fever and adult feelings of loneliness! My first week was the most challenging as I was unable to sit. No one warned me about that! I was healing from a third-degree tear from my vaginal birth. So, I had to breastfeed either standing up or lying down sideways on my bed. I had to feed myself standing up while everyone else sat at the table.
Melissa shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud:
That it felt intoxicating to yell, no, if I am being honest, I screamed , and it felt so damn good. I literally got a physical high from the release and eruption of all that pent up stress, anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness, self loathing, inadequacy and utter overwhelming feeling of everyone needing something from me. Of course as I was in the midst of this rage I was heartbroken at what I was unleashing on my children and so very ashamed of my inability to control myself and ultimately protect my children.
The hardest part: Feeling as if I was trapped and alone in trying to pull myself out from under the massive mountain of needs to be met and obligations. There simply was not enough of me to go around and I was not good enough for any of it. All around, people needed from me…my children, husband, mother, family, friends. I felt like I was being torn apart piece by piece while inside I was scrambling to hold onto a shred of myself. I was drowning and did not know how to escape from the grasp of the rip tide that had become my life. I needed quiet, I needed calm, I needed space and I didn’t know how to put my own needs into the mix.
Another mama shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: I probably did say it out loud at some point, but I had this sort of dread set in when I realized how tedious it was to change diapers and nurse all day every day. I couldn’t believe after the first few days that I was just going to repeat these things over and over again, day in and day out. It’s true, that is all you do at first, but it becomes second nature so quickly that you stop thinking about life that way.
The hardest part: Coming to terms with just how extremely I needed to take it easy, physically. I’d stayed very active throughout pregnancy and wore it as a badge of honor, so it was very hard postpartum to admit that even just standing too long or walking around the house made me sore, and that I needed to be sedentary for weeks in order to heal.
Alison shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: Will my vulva ever look “normal”? I had a lateral (labial) tear and the stitches didn’t hold.
The hardest part: PAIN!(first birth). I had a broken tailbone and labial tear.
Maya shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: I am currently in the midst of my postpartum days, as I had my second child less than three weeks ago. Thankfully, this time around I am not having many thoughts that I am afraid to say out loud, other than wanting to tell moms that have only one kid to enjoy themselves and stop complaining. Almost three years ago though, it was a completely different story. I knew immediately after having my son that something was wrong with me. At our hospital, they have new moms push a button that plays a lullaby throughout the hospital, announcing a new baby being born. The nurses asked me repeatedly if I wanted to push it and through my tears, I said no and I remember watching them as they lifted my hand to push the button, feeling none of the joy and happiness that reflected back to me from their faces. My son is my favorite person on earth now, he and I have coffee together every morning, adventures together every afternoon and he has made me a better person and stretched my ability to love in ways that I did not know were possible. Those first couple of weeks after he was born, I would call the doctor and tell him that something was wrong. He would ask if I wanted to harm myself or the baby and I would answer truthfully, “No, but if someone came into my house and took him, I’d be so relieved.”
The hardest part: For me, the first four or five weeks of postpartum were about a constant state of fear. I lived in fear that he was going to wake up and need to be fed, and that would hurt. I feared he would cry and I wouldn’t know what to do. I feared that he would stop breathing, so I watched him breathe – day and night. I feared that I had ruined my relationship with my husband and that this snuggle nest that was now in between us in bed would be there forever and he’d never want to hold me or touch me again. I mourned my old life and feared that I had lost my ambition and ability to put together a sentence and I’d no longer have that professional satisfaction that had long driven me to succeed.
Becca shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: What did I get myself into? I was quite shocked at how difficult the first few weeks were. It was nothing like I imagined it would be.
The hardest part: There were a lot of things that were difficult. The one that I felt completely unprepared for was how terrible I felt physically. I feel like no one gave me the honest truth about this would be like. I’ll never forget how I bought one pack of ultra thin pads before having my son – naively thinking this would do the trick!! The bleeding was just awful. I also lost control of my bladder for several weeks due to pushing for 3.5 hours, which made getting to the bathroom (while nursing around the clock) on time very challenging. My body literally felt like it was repeatedly run over by a truck!!
Taylor shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: I want to go back to the way things used to be. I wish I hadn’t done this.
The hardest part: Feeling ashamed. I couldn’t figure out why I was unhappy and regretting the decision to have a baby and I was too scared to tell anybody. I was afraid it wouldn’t get better and I felt like a terrible mother for having any of these thoughts. Breastfeeding was also a great struggle at first and I dreaded every time I had to nurse my baby.
MH shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: This is definitely not the fairy tale I imagined.
The hardest part: I was in a lot of physical pain. My recovery took longer than I’d anticipated and it was hard to focus on myself.
Ashley shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: I didn’t feel overwhelmed with love for my baby until she was over 2 months old.
The hardest part: Not getting any sleep. I was nervous about my baby’s milk intake so I was over paranoid about waking up every 3 hours to feed her. Being that exhausted definitely messed with my thoughts. Another very difficult thing for me was what I felt like was a loss of a relationship with my husband. I felt like we never had any relaxing or fun times together and thought we never would again. That got better though.
Jessica shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: I Hate This.
The hardest part: Not being able to nurse my daughter well. She had an undiagnosed tongue tie and upper lip tie for 10 weeks and every time she nursed I wanted it to stop. At times I wanted to just die. And other times I wanted to run away. It was a lot of pressure juggling my 19 month old son and my newborn daughter. I was constantly worried that I wasn’t doing what I was “supposed to do”.
Jill shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: What if I can’t do this?
The hardest part: Being stuck on the couch feeding the baby, well-intentioned but unhelpful or unnecessary advice, how hungry and thirsty I was due to breast feeding, hallucinating from lack of sleep, and breastfeeding. It was ok for the first few days then became really difficult. The health service here provides midwives and health visitors postpartum. A well-intentioned over enthusiastic health visitor tried to help me with breastfeeding and I ended up more stressed and in tears.
Heather shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: I wonder if this “smell” is normal.
The hardest part: The mood swings and feeling kind of isolated.
Samantha shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: I wish people would listen to me. When I was a new mom with my first, my husband became very “helpful” because he is a nurse and had more experience with babies than I did. I thought I was having problems with milk supply, but he assured me that things were fine, but I was right. I had problems and the baby lost a ton of weight. He was pushy. I was nervous and afraid to push back and listen to my heart.
The hardest part: My first birth was a C-section and the hardest part was feeling like I was doing something right. I was in pain, didn’t want to take the pain pills because they made me groggy, but I needed them because the pain was awful. It was hard to bond with the baby because I was so confused, lacked confidence and I was scared, honestly. I was afraid to relax because I might miss something. I was afraid to give the baby a bottle because I was afraid he wouldn’t nurse. I was super anxious and it was to my detriment. I missed out on things because I was nervous and afraid.
Fiona shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: Why did I do this? I wish I didn’t have a baby.
The hardest part: Feeling like the baby needed me 24 hrs a day – feeling stuck.
Marissa shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: What was I thinking having a second baby? I miss it just being the three of us.
The hardest part: Finding a new routine. Balancing the needs of 2 and finding time for me.
Nina shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: This is too exhausting, I can’t do this!
The hardest part: During my first pregnancy I did not read a single book about the time AFTER birth. I had no friends with little kids and really no clue what to expect. I was in a new country far away from my family with a husband who worked late hours. I also did not get out of the house or go to any support group meetings. I was on my own all day long. Aside from phone calls, I had no interaction with other adults. Naturally I slipped into a bit of postpartum depression.
Angela shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: How am I going to do this – handle the responsibility of being a mom (especially as we had more children)?
The hardest part: Feeling isolated and balancing self-care with caring for my family.
Jen shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: My son was entirely breastfed and we chose to wait to introduce a bottle of pumped milk until he was a few weeks old. In those weeks, the midnight feed was the one that was the hardest for me. I would try to go to sleep right after the “bedtime” feeding but by that point, I just NEEDED more than 2 hours of sleep, and I needed it in ways I have never needed sleep before. When my son would start cranking at midnight or so, I would hear him but I could not drag myself out of bed. My spouse would come and wake me to feed him and because I didn’t want to be angry at the baby, I took it out on my spouse. I said things that were outright mean, things that I would be embarrassed to repeat and were completely unfair. It was sort of the emotional equivalent of yelling at your alarm clock, except it was not an inanimate beeping object, it was the person whose support I needed the most at that point.
The hardest part: I would vacillate between love for my son that quite literally felt like it would make me explode followed immediately by thoughts of the hundreds of ways that if I did anything wrong (or even if I didn’t do anything wrong, and I was just unlucky) he could die. People talk about the heart-exploding love part, but may neglect to mention that it often comes with the whole blood-freezing in your veins anxiety bit. If you’ve ever fought sleep that you desperately need because YOU MUST watch your baby breathe, you’ve been here. There were times when I would have to physically stand up and shake my head to clear the thoughts that would pass through.
Michelle shared:
One thought she was afraid to say out loud: I was constantly afraid I would drop her. I had images flash in my brain in every possible scenario of how I might accidentally drop her. I felt a little bit crazy that my thoughts were so consumed by this fear.
The hardest part: Expectations from extended family. It was hard to balance sharing this new life with people who live far away, and keeping space for my husband and I to get to know our new person. I wanted to learn all about her, remember every minute and figure out what our life what going to look like. There seemed to be a lot of expectation from family to meet her and spend time with her. It was stressful to me to think about accomodating people in addition to caring for my newborn.
We are incredibly grateful to all of these brave mamas for sharing their truths. We can’t wait to share more from them soon as they offered some wonderful advice and tips for postpartum moms. Not only do we hope they encourage you that you’re not alone, but we hope that you’ll find somebody to share your truth with today. What have you been holding onto? Have you had thoughts that you’re afraid to share? What’s the hardest part for you right now? Find somebody you trust and share your truth. And we would love if you would join us and share your truth on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. Just add “#truthheals” to your post and let’s see if we can get some momentum going to help new mamas everywhere speak their truths, not feel so alone, and start healing.