Earlier this week, we shared honest reflections from some courageous mamas about the harder parts of their postpartum days. The response has been overwhelmingly beautiful. Moms have responded, telling us that the stories from other mamas helped them find some comfort and reassurance. They realized that they were or are not alone in their struggles, tough moments, and unwelcome thoughts.
As a reminder, we asked these mamas five questions:
- Would you share one thought you had during your postpartum period that you were afraid to say out loud?
- What was the hardest part about your postpartum days?
- What would you say to postpartum moms who are struggling right now?
- What tips would you give postpartum moms to help them get the support they need?
- What self-care tips would you give postpartum moms?
Today, we’re sharing their answers to the last 3 questions. They shared encouragement, ideas for getting social support, and ideas for self-care. In responding to these questions, a handful of them reminded us that it’s hard to give advice because what works for one family or mother may not work for another. We’re all so different. And we agree. We hope that their ideas and thoughts serve as a starting point for you if you’re needing to build your postpartum support network or find a better way to take care of yourself. We also hope that their ideas will just encourage you to go get that support and engage in that self-care, however it looks for you.
Heather shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: Don’t be afraid to ask for help and accept help when it is offered. If you are breastfeeding, once it is well established, have your partner give one bottle at night so you can get at least one longer stretch of sleep.
Her thoughts on getting support: Find a few local new moms you can meet with weekly for play dates so you can socialize and have some adult conversation!
Her thoughts on self-care: Try and get out of the house at least once every day, even if it’s a quick trip to the drug store to buy diapers, or a trip to Target to browse.
Joanna shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: I would tell struggling pp moms that becoming a mother is not exactly an easy adjustment. There are many aspects to it: emotions, hormones, thoughts, feelings, lack of sleep, healing of your physical body, etc. Then, you’re also trying to take care of a very needy human you’ve given birth to. It’s ok to cry. You’ll feel better afterwards. Find someone to talk to. And seek professional help without any embarrassment if you have any thoughts/feelings of wanting to hurt yourself or the baby.
Her thoughts on getting support: Call local hospitals in the area. Many have weekly breastfeeding groups and baby groups that are free to attend. I discovered when my son was about 7-8 months old that there are local mom/baby groups on Facebook, so doing Facebook searches could help too. My closest family members are 8-10 hours away, so it was challenging at times. Being a part of some local groups made this easier. It’s always nice meeting other people who are in the same boat as you and then making new friends.
Her thoughts on self-care: Self-care tips I recommend include forcing yourself to sleep when your baby sleeps (or at least lay down to rest). Sometimes I did not try to sleep because I didn’t feel tired enough and wanted to get other things done around the house, but then I would pay for it later, wishing I had tried to sleep/rest. Also, plan small trips to get out of the house: ones both with and without the baby. And as soon as your body feels good, get out to exercise and get fresh air – even if it’s just to take a walk.
Melissa shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling:Recognize and acknowledge yourself as a priority. There’s a reason they say to put your oxygen mask on first, the same theory holds true in mothering. We have to take care of ourselves if we’re going to be able to take care of our children. It’s not selfish to make self-care a consistent priority; it is wise, compassionate, loving and it models to our children how to care for and value themselves. Ask for help and know that in doing so, you are not a failure. Welcome and embrace support. Let it nurture and hold you up when you need it. We all need to know we’re not alone on this journey. Take comfort that your tribe is out there and that you will find it.
Her thoughts on getting support: Get out in your community! Smile, say hello, connect with people no matter how big or small the gesture. Extend yourself and be open to those willing to extend themselves. Try something new and beyond your comfort zone, you never know the richness of the experience that may await you.
Her thoughts on self-care: I still struggle with self-care, so what I try to remember myself is that self care does not have to be elaborate, expensive or extensive to be effective…and in my case it is almost always not. I find simple, easily accessible ways to nourish myself like free writing in my journal, alternate nostril breathing, doing a hand stand to be centering and therapeutic (and can be done anywhere).
Another mama shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: If you are breastfeeding and it’s difficult, don’t hesitate to see a LC (lactation consultant) and get help, and know it’s only the first 6 weeks or so that each nursing session is a struggle and an ordeal. Soon you and your baby will learn what to do, and then having the ability to feed your baby on demand and with no equipment will make your life so much easier.
Her thoughts on getting support: Join lots of Facebook groups! And ask seasoned parents things via private message, text, or email. I had so many supportive and helpful conversations online with friends and acquaintances who have kids. You have lots of time to be online when there’s a baby on you most of the day. After a couple months, leaving the house is much less daunting, and it only gets easier and easier. Hospitals seem to have good drop-in mom groups. Take advantage of your baby’s little lump status to get out and shop, have coffee, and meet with friends for conversation.
Her thoughts on self-care: Even though it made me feel normal and accomplished to do simple tasks around the house when the baby was sleeping, I realized I needed to delegate and direct my husband to do them instead in those first couple weeks. He was happy to take my chores on and it was worth it to rest even though, surprisingly, I would have rather been doing dishes! Have lots of brief visitors. On days when I wasn’t leaving the house (most days), I felt much better when a friend would drop by to say hi and meet the baby. Try to shower every day. Even if I didn’t really need to, it always felt good to rinse off all the perceived spit up and dried milk and get refreshed, and 10 minutes of time by yourself can really do a lot.
Alison shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: Reach out.
Her thoughts on getting support: Start early and be tenacious. Keep looking until you find the person/group that fits.
Her thoughts on self-care: REST! Cut back on all chores and then cut back again and again. Keep a bathrobe by the door and slip it on when people stop by.
Maya shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: I didn’t believe anyone when they told me it would get better, because rationally, I already knew that but there was nothing rational about those days. Each day, I saw hundreds of women who had had children functioning in society around me. I wasn’t the first person to ever have a child, as my bachelor little brother loved to point out to me. If I could talk to other postpartum moms that are struggling right now, I would tell them to talk about it. The best thing I did for myself was to start making jokes about how I had made a mistake, or that I was scared my husband would leave me. People would ask me how I was doing and I didn’t even have the energy for the standard “I’m great, the baby is great, etc.” and I would just say, “I’m doing my best” or “I hope my husband doesn’t leave me”. Those jokes turned into, “Wait, you too?!” at my local mom’s group or with that colleague down the hall who I thought must have had tattoos of her kids names because she was obsessed with them and must not have spent even a second of her life regretting her decision. I didn’t mean to start talking about how sad, lonely, scared or alone I felt, but it was the best thing that I could have done and I wish there were more intentional and safe opportunities for those conversations.
Her thoughts on getting support: For me, leaving the house was the small victory I needed to feel like my life might one day become my own again. I sat at Starbucks and read a magazine, I went to Target and bought diapers, and more than once, I walked to the corner of my street and back, sobbing. I want new moms to leave the house, it’s good for them and it’s good for their babies. I also joined a mom’s Group in my town and at first, we were just a group of strangers in our pajamas with dark sunglasses on to hide tears, tired, fear, etc. and then slowly, we figured it out together and have been watching our babies grow up together for the past three years.
Her thoughts on self-care: I did an awful job of taking care of myself and looking back, I would have accepted the help that was being offered to me. I was a 28 year old independent, professional woman with a great salary, cute nursery, involved husband – of course I didn’t need the meals that my church offered, or the babysitting that my mother in law offered. I could do it all. The first night I came home from the hospital, we hosted a “Welcome Baby BBQ” for 12 of our closest friends and family. Everyone marveled at how I was able to do it, and I just went upstairs and cried every 15 minutes or so before returning to the party, fresh faced. This time, I have a calendar of people showing up on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays through June with food for our growing family. My mother in law is driving Highway 101 way more than she did for her first grandkid and my husband took five weeks off of work.
Becca shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: Every day will get a little better. Try and get at least 30 minutes to yourself a day to breathe deeply, sleep, shower, walk… or cry! Don’t be afraid to talk to other moms about the difficulty you are having. No matter when they had kids, they will be brought right back to those moments. For some reason society makes us feel like we are supposed to report that becoming a mother is filled with endless rainbows and butterflies. Well… that’s just bulls***. It’s hard – for everyone. If someone says otherwise, they are lying! You will have small victories everyday – look for them (they might be small). Give yourself a break! Focus on bonding with your baby and let things like cleaning go to the wayside. Ask anyone that stops by if they wouldn’t mind doing a small job like doing dishes, washing a load of laundry, cleaning the floor, getting your mail, etc. People want to help, but sometimes need guidance. Asking for help is so important.
Her thoughts on getting support: Finding a new mom’s group is so important. Do a google search for your area or see if there are any parent networks nearby. Sometimes you can find groups like these through your hospital as well. Getting out of the house to socialize is so essential! Meeting other people that are currently going through the same thing as you is incredibly comforting. I am still close with several of the moms from that group. We laughed, cried, vented, told graphic stories and generally bonded.
Her thoughts on self-care: I found a lot of relief doing sitz baths. Listen to some relaxing music while doing them helps too! I used a lot of witch hazel on my battered lady parts. Also, if you have bladder issues, Depends can be a life saver for a few weeks. Just try to be nice to yourself – it will always make you a better mama.
Taylor shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: You are not alone and many moms have had the same thoughts and feelings as you do.
Her thoughts on getting support: Remind yourself that you would be happy to help a loved one or friend if they asked. Then go ask for help.
Her thoughts on self-care: Prioritize it because you’re worth it. Feelings of guilt when taking care of your own needs are normal. Try to look that guilt in the face and keep making self-care part of your routine. Eventually, you will feel less guilty for taking time for yourself because you’ll see that it makes you more patient, happier, and better able to give to your family.
MH shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: Ask for help. When people come over, don’t be afraid to ask them to do the dishes, throw in a load of laundry, or pick up something from the grocery store for you. Holding the baby isn’t really the kind of help you need. You need people who are willing to help with all the other aspects of life.
Her thoughts on getting support: Once the baby was a few weeks old, I made a point to get out of the house at least once a day. It’s important to feel like you are still part of the world, even though so much of your life is centered around the monotony of caring for a newborn. Taking a walk, going to the grocery store, meeting a friend for a cup of coffee, doing errands- it doesn’t matter what it is, but it’s important to have a reason to get dressed, brush your hair, and feel like a functioning person instead of a mommy robot-zombie. Bring the baby with you, too. The sooner your learn how to fit the baby into your life and to manage the baby outside of the comfort of your home the better. Plus, babies are great conversation starters, so you are likely to meet other new moms who are out for their daily dose of normal too. This is how new friendships start. It’s also important to find time to do things alone, and not just when the baby is sleeping. Find someone you trust (it can be your husband, a family member, a babysitter) and leave your child with them. Leave the house and do something for you. Having time for yourself allows you to be a healthier, happier mom, and it lets you nurture the parts of you that are separate from your child and your home. It’s also important to trust that your child will be fine without you. Use this time to connect with other moms, or engage in whatever activities help you feel like you. Do not use this time to go to the grocery store!
Her thoughts on self-care: There can never be enough Vicks cooling wipes! Take a shower every day. It wakes you up and makes you feel so much more human! Get as much sleep as you can. Eat healthy meals. When people ask what they can do to help, ask them to cook for you or bring you meals. Drink lots of water! Especially if you are nursing. Be active. This doesn’t mean running on the treadmill, but rather just taking a walk every day, or something simple. It’s easy to fall into a pattern of laying on the couch all day long because you are so tired. This can be a hard habit to break, so don’t start it! Don’t be afraid to see a lactation consultant. If you have any questions, or are struggling with nursing at all, call one! The longer you wait, the more tired and frustrated you will be. They are so helpful, so use them as the wonderful resource they are.
Ashley shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: It sounds cliché, but you are not alone. Find someone you can openly and honestly talk to because it’s important to understand that it’s ok if you don’t feel like you thought you would. Also, it’s just as important to take care of yourself as it is your baby.
Her thoughts on getting support: If you had a birth doula, reach out to her. She will most likely have good information for you. Also try LLL if you’re breastfeeding.
Her thoughts on self-care: If you have the luxury, try to take some time alone everday. For me it was taking a hot shower each night when my husband got home from work.
Jessica shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: It gets better! Hang in there. It’s all worth it!
Her thoughts on getting support: Join a FB mom’s group. Read what other moms are saying. Write what you’re feeling. You’ll find out you’re certainly not the only one feeling the way you do. I know it was hard for me to get out of the house with a toddler and newborn who wouldn’t nurse, and I had to tube/cup feed pumped milk, then try to nurse. It would take 2 hours for one feeding, and then I’d have to do it all over again. I received support online, instead of going to mom’s group.
Her thoughts on self-care: Take care of yourself. If you’re not taken care of, you won’t be able to care for you baby.
Jill shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: If you are struggling, don’t hesitate to ask for help. When I had the breastfeeding challenges, my other new mum friends had been using a lady trained as a lactation consultant, doula, and mum of 5. She was amazing. She left me feeling confident and positive. She also had time to observe a whole feed cycle (3 hours) which the midwives/health visitors aren’t able to do. What a difference that made. She was magic and had all sorts of tricks up her sleeve. Get help from people who are positive and encouraging.Her thoughts on getting support: In the UK there is a national charity that organizes antenatal classes according to area and due date. Local hospitals do the same. Those 5 ladies have been absolutely vital to my survival and well being! We set up a Facebook chat group which is still going strong 3 1/2 years later across continents. I also did a post natal group (again similar age children in my area) who I still meet with. I also did classes in the area (music, baby sensory, sign language). I’m not sure how much Ethan got out of these, but it was another good way of meeting local mums. I discovered a whole new side to the area I live in that I never saw previously being at work. Some one gave me the advice to try to get out every day at least once. I totally agree with that advice. Also remember dads need support too. Our antenatal group is just as important to my husband and the dads got together too. I wasn’t prepared for how much dads struggle with these transitions as it impacts their own social life too.
Her thoughts on self-care: Let people help (but try to specify something people can do so they aren’t left to their own devices). You wont get everything done, so don’t try. Get done what you can. Get as much sleep as you can.
Heather shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: Be vulnerable. Reach out to anyone, but be aware of people’s advice. While most have your best interest at heart not everyone is going to parent like you. Accept help but know that you alone know what’s best for your family!Her thoughts on getting support: Facebook is a wonderful tool. Reach out, find mom groups, find groups that match your interest. Once you are rested, get out, even if it’s just to a park. Get outside and don’t be afraid to go up and talk to people. We all need a community! Most mothers feel isolated and it really hurts. Go after what you need! Find local like-minded groups. Holistic Mom’s Network was a saving grace for me this last pregnancy. Ask your local providers if they know of people “like” you. I met one of my best friends through our mutual chiropractor who introduced us because we are so similar. Talk to your doulas, midwives, and playgroup leaders. People usually want to help and support one another the best they can. We all need to feel like we belong somewhere and are accepted, whether you are an extrovert or introvert. Your ways of feeling accepted may differ, but the desire is there!
Her thoughts on self-care: Self care, for me, really involves listening to my body. Each postpartum transition has been different for me. Sleep when you are tired, have a lazy movie day, and ask for help. But also realize that you are worthy and deserve a shower. A shower can do amazing things! As can a walk outside! Check in with yourself, what resonates? What recharges you? Do that! Better yet, do that with company!
Samantha shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: Ask for help. So many friends I have shared my story with told me, if they had only known, they would have helped. I was afraid to ask, I’m the doer, not the asker. So I didn’t ask for help and I hid my struggles. Find people you trust who listen to you. If you feel like anyone- your mom, a friend, a spouse- aren’t “getting” you, reach out to someone who will understand. Help can be many different things: ask for help with breastfeeding, ask for help with a nap, ask for help understanding your feelings. All of these things you are feeling that seem crazy? They are normal, and someone else felt that way too.Her thoughts on getting support: I became a first time mom in the time (eek!) before social media, so I didn’t get to share all the details of kid 1 on Facebook. I didn’t over-share with kid 2, 3 or 4. But I posted things that were real, and I communicate with other friends who have kids. I see similar struggles, and I send a private message. I met a first time mom at a party and she friend requested me. She posted one morning about struggling, and I took her out to breakfast. It was little for me, but big for her. She was fighting with her Mom over how to care for her baby and needed to get out. I saw a little bit of me in her; me fighting with my husband over how to do things. Find the things you share with people and take time to listen and understand how others deal with things.
Her thoughts on self-care: Make a list and make a plan. I had no idea that I would need the world’s largest box of maxipads when I brought home a baby, or that I would be sending a confused man to the store to pick those out. Don’t know the gender of your baby? Make gender neutral clothes your plan. Plan for what you can, but when the time comes and you need it, take the help that comes and try to relax. Find time to take a walk. Sit outside and take some deep breaths. Then try and take the good with the bad and realize cave people had babies and they did it all without a Baby Brezza and car seats. You can plan what you can, then sit back and take it all in. You will be fine if you don’t paint the nursery the perfect color. You will survive if people come over and see you in dirty spit up shirts. That beautiful little baby is going to throw himself on the floor at Target in a few years and scream so loud that you’re afraid someone will call CPS. He is also going to sit up in bed one day and say, “Mommy.” Relax, hold your baby, and take naps.
Fiona shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: It takes time to learn how to be a mom, it’s ok if you’re regretting having a baby, or feeling low. You may feel like you will never be the person you used to be or that your life as you knew it is over. Both of these have some truth to them, but you will find yourself again. It just takes openness to a new version of life and compassion for yourself.Her thoughts on getting support: You need to be vulnerable and trust that when you ask for help others will respond with love and compassion, not judgement. Just ask! Despite how it may seem on Facebook , no one gets through this alone, and we have all had dark moments or times when we just couldn’t do it alone.
Her thoughts on self-care: Give in to whatever you need today to feel just a little better (as long as it’s a safe choice for everyone involved). This moment will pass, bad habits can be changed. Just take care of yourself here and now – whatever that means to you.
Marissa shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: If you are struggling it means you are doing it right! Being a Mom is hard and makes the best of us a bit bonkers. You will find yourself again… and it will be better than you could ever imagine.Her thoughts on getting support: There are tons of mom groups on FB and in the community. Stay connected to moms who were in your birthing class. If you feel isolated ask your OB for suggestions. Don’t spend too much time wishing you had support. Go out and find it!
Her thoughts on self-care: Take showers, take naps, and ask yourself if you are being as gentle with yourself as you would your best friend.
Nina shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: My second pregnancy I did everything differently. I built myself a support network. It consisted of people I could call and ask for help with breastfeeding, people I could vent to and support meetings that forced me to get out of the house. Although my husband was deployed that time my pp time was much better. So I can only recommend building yourself a support network! Get out of the house, go for a walk and meet people! Go to support group meetings.Her thoughts on getting support: You can search for support group meetings online. La Leche League for example or Babywearing meetings. Playgroups, story time at libraries. Mommy and Baby swim classes at the YMCA. Stroll around a farmers market with your baby. You will meet new moms, local farmers and end up with fresh fruits and veggies. There are more things than you think once you look for them. Also I have found that Facebook can be great help. When I move I normally search FB for any groups near where I am going to live. Often there are things like mother organized playgroups or natural parenting groups close by that you can join.
Her thoughts on self-care: My personal favorite self care tip is: nap time! When my baby sleeps I do NOTHING!!!! Friends get kicked out of the house after lunch, the TV gets turned on and I eat and sit down. I know not all moms can or want to do that, but it works for me. Also I really enjoy going to LLL meetings where I meet other moms like me. It makes me feel good that I’m not alone.
Angela shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: Ask for help. You asking for help is as much a blessing to others as it is to you. It does not make you a bad or inadequate mom. It means you are confident enough to know yourself and respect your own needs.
Her thoughts on getting support: Go to meetings related to baby topics, even if they aren’t directly related to information you feel you need to know. There will be other moms there who need support too. Be that for each other.
Her thoughts on self-care: Identify a few things that are a must for you, in addition to nutrition and sleep. In the early days try to do one of those things each day and as baby gets older, add in a couple more.
Jen shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: You are doing a great job. You are not alone. Trust yourself. Trust your baby. Talk, if you process your emotions by talking, Write, if you process emotions by writing. If neither of those things makes sense to you, sing, pray, breathe, walk, take a shower or whatever it is you can do to find, if only for a moment, a sense of yourself.
Her thoughts on getting support: As someone who inclines toward the introverted, the idea of randomly meeting up with a half dozen total strangers never really worked for me and it might not work for you (and if it does, great! I know so many people who have built vital and lasting relationships from the mom’s group model). That said, introvert or not, you have a ton to stuff to process and you need to find ways to process. I remember texting my aunt, two co-workers and a friend (all Moms) at 4 am one morning when I found my son had rolled on to his tummy and was happily sleeping in that position, Though each probably hadn’t heard from me in over a month (or more) every single one texted back within 30 minutes. People who have been there understand – regardless of distance, time of day (or night). I found that when I asked for help in small and not so small ways, it was given without question. Ask for help.
Her thoughts on self-care: If you’re breastfeeding, identify the feeding or two that is hardest for you and if you’re going to introduce a bottle (pumped breast milk or formula), make that one your spouse’s job. If you’re not going to introduce a bottle or before you do, make that one your spouses job anyway (they might need your breast, but that doesn’t mean that you need to be the one holding, changing, rocking and putting baby back to sleep). Our deal was that my spouse would bring my son to me and once I got him positioned, physically hold him while he fed (I often nodded off), then change him and get him back to sleep. Literally, all I would do is sit up in bed and get him into a comfortable (or not uncomfortable) latch. Get out of the house. Put the baby in the stroller and walk somewhere. Even thought we all know it takes 4 times as long to get the kid into the stroller as the walk will take. Sunlight is good for the head. Walk around the block, to the corner store, to the mailbox. It might even cause you to change the shirt you’ve been wearing for the past three days and changing that shirt will feel good. Do not ask the Google about whatever it is that you’ve decided to be anxious (or more than anxious) about at that point in time. Do call/text your midwife/doctor/doula/breastfeeding-consultant/friend/spouse/Mom/Brother/Mom-of-newborn-you-just-met-while-walking-in-your-3-day-old-shirt-to-the-corner-store. You need human contact. The internet, if not used correctly, can become an echo chamber of your own anxieties. If/when you do wade into the interwebs, do your best to go to sites like this one.
Michelle shared:
What she would say to postpartum moms who are struggling: There are a lot of people full of advice and opinions in the world. And everyone is willing to share! Don’t be afraid to ask for advice when you are unsure, and don’t be afraid to disregard anything that doesn’t sit right with you. I was full of questions for my other mama friends, whom I love and trust, and they were so willing to share without judgement. I got great insight about people’s experiences with bed-sharing, breastfeeding, napping, extended families, introducing solids, etc.Her thoughts on getting support: For me, I am a pretty social person and I made a lot of effort to go out with my baby, either on planned friend-dates or just to the library, the food co-op, or the park. Or if you’d like more structured meetings, look for mama and papa groups at community centers. Find a chapter of La Leche League.
Her thoughts on self-care: Take walks, take naps, eat well, reach out. Accept any offers of pre-made food, or people who want to do your dishes.
We realize that reading through all these ideas in one place may be overwhelming at first. We’ll try to grab snippets from this as time goes on and re-share it in smaller chunks. Again, we are incredibly grateful to all of these mamas for taking the time to share their experiences and thoughtful ideas. What resonates most with you? What would you add about postpartum social support and self-care?