It’s 3 am. You’re scrolling through your Facebook feed and you see post after post showing your friends looking happy, poised, put together, and normal. You think, “everyone else has got it together except for me.”
Sound familiar?
This is a scenario that played out often in my brain during the postpartum period. I remember when my daughter was a few weeks or months old I would obsessively ask others about how their babies were sleeping just to make sure I was not alone in the struggle to get my newborn to sleep. No matter what their response, I would usually find a way to use it as evidence against myself. Mom tells me her baby is not sleeping well – evidence that we are both doing things wrong. Mom tells me her baby is sleeping well – evidence I am doing it wrong and she is better at this than me. At 9 months old when my daughter seemed to be waking every 45 minutes I asked a friend and mother of 6 how her youngest was sleeping and told her my tale of woe. She tried so hard to assure me that she was in the thick of it just like me, but I was convinced my situation was harder. I was certain that even if her baby’s sleep was as unpredictable as mine she was at least handling it better. When trying to figure out if I’m a good mom I often compare myself to other moms I know. It’s so easy to think everyone else is better at this mom thing than you are. (Hint: this is not the way to figure out if you’re a good mom).
My kitchen is always messy, but my baby eats well.
I have found that it is really easy for me to assume everyone else is doing a better job of being a parent, enjoying parenting more, and balancing all their roles better than I am. Facebook and Instagram feed into this idea. It’s so easy to think that what people post on the internet is an accurate portrayal of their everyday life. I sometimes even fall into a pattern of posting in situations where I think others would be impressed or awed by my life. I sometimes feel a certain pressure to portray an ideal version of myself on Facebook, but fail to consider that others might feel that same pressure. (Hint: judging yourself against others’ Facebook posts is not the way to tell if you’re a good mom).
So, How can you tell if you are a good mom? Here is my 100% genuine, not sarcastic at all advice:
1. You should probably review your Social media feeds and assess the level of perfection you are portraying on the internet. Anything showing a sense of reality will detract from your worth as a mother.
2. You should also reflect on whether or not you’ve ever admitted you don’t know what you’re doing – big strike against you.
3. Have you ever had negative thoughts or feelings about motherhood – well that’s another point lost.
4. Oh, take a look around your house – clean? Good mom! Messy? Bad mom.
5. Ask yourself the following questions. Anything you answer “no” to is a strike against you.
Have you lost the baby weight? Do you breastfeed exclusively? Does your toddler eat only organic food? Are you an attachment parent? Have you sleep trained your baby yet?
Wait!!!
Does something seem wrong here? Do these questions make you want to lash out at someone? Have you ever felt critical of yourself because of your messy house or your baby’s unconventional sleep habits?
Stop!!!
How do you really tell if you are a good mom? I’m not sure I can convince you of this, but you just are. I’ve worked for the past decade in the human services field with families in all different life circumstances. One thing that all of these families remind me of constantly is the capacity for parents to love their children. The other lesson I have learned from many clients is that just about every parent is doing the best they can. We all make mistakes, we all struggle with our inner monologues. Some of us have been dealt a hand that makes life easier and some of us have had to overcome unthinkable challenges. We are all working hard to love, provide for, and protect our children. We are all good moms (and dads). We need to let ourselves know this once in a while. We also need to ask for help and share our truths with each other. The more open and honest we can all be about our experiences the more each new mother will know she is ok and she doesn’t have to be perfect.
We probably won’t find out if we’re good parents by looking at our Facebook feeds, but we may find connection and empathy.
So this week as you’re aiming the camera for the next Facebook post, why don’t you capture that unfiltered moment and let us know how you’re a good mom because of your imperfection. Let’s start a #i’magoodmom campaign on Instagram.