Raise your hand if you had some ideas about the type of parent you were going to be before you had a baby. My hand is way up high in the sky. I had a lot of ideas about the kind of mother I was going to be. I also had a lot of ideas about what I would think about being a mom. Namely, I thought I would really like it and feel like a rock star. No one had really described to me, in a way I could hear, how humbling and challenging being a parent can be.
Does the following situation sound familiar? You chime into a conversation about kids (before you have your own kids). You add some really thoughtful and intelligent ideas to the conversation. Perhaps your statement sounds something like this: “I just believe kids need a regular bed time.” or maybe a little something like this, “I definitely won’t have a problem leaving my kids home with a baby sitter.” You are speaking from a true belief about how you will be as a parent and from a complete lack of understanding about what being a parent is like. Your parent friends smile, nod, roll their eyes, or walk away. You get the distinct feeling that you are being brushed off. But still, you don’t understand why they don’t just try the simple solutions you can easily see from an outside perspective. You think to yourself, must be they just can’t see the whole picture.
Fast forward a few months or years to your current self. If you are anything like me, you cringe at some of the ideas you had about parenting. I have a huge mouth, I’m super opinionated and a total know-it-all. So I had doled out a fair share of parenting advice prior to having a baby. (Friends who received this unhelpful advice need not comment below – I am so sorry, you are all amazing parents and I knew nothing). By the time my first daughter came along I had an clear idea of what mothering would be like and about the type of mother I wanted to be. When my daughter arrived I struggled to connect my expectations with reality. They just didn’t fit.
The things I valued going into motherhood were questioned once a newborn came into the equation. I wanted to set limits, create good habits, and maintain my independence. What my baby needed was constant attention, flexibility in her routine and an unrelenting connection with me. I worried that “giving in” to what she needed would mean I would be giving up some of who I was. I felt like so many situations were me against her – me trying to get her to bend to my will and she letting me know she just couldn’t. Slowly, I worked on adjusting to her needs and letting go of my expectations. I firmly believe that a big contributing factor to postpartum challenges is the mismatch between our expectations and reality. When we have such strong ideas about the mother we want to be it can be hard to accept the mother we are. This week, think about what you expected motherhood to be like verses the reality. Yes, there may be some disappointments. There may also be some profound discoveries. Some freeing truths. When we jumble it all together the mess we’re left with is reality. If you can find peace in that you are on your way to wellness.
Reflections on the mother I thought I’d be verses the mother I am.
I thought I would be a mom who loves every moment of motherhood.
I am a mom that needs breaks from my baby.
I thought I would be a mom who trained her baby to sleep on her own.
I am a mom who has a hard time letting my baby cry it out.
I thought I would be a mom who set clear limits and boundaries.
I am a mom who “gives in” to most things
because it’s easier than “standing my ground.”
I thought I would be a mom who didn’t change her whole lifestyle for her baby.
I am a mom who put my mattresses on the floor rather
than try to get my baby to sleep in her crib.
I thought I would be a mom who loved motherhood from the start and never looked back.
I am a mom who sometimes wishes for the freedom of not being a mom.
I thought I would get breastfeeding right from the start.
I am a mom who struggled with breastfeeding.
I thought I would be able to handle caring for a newborn.
I am a mom who has breakdowns in the middle of the night because
she’s so frustrated her baby won’t let her leave her side.
I thought I would be a mom who fiercely loves her baby.
I am a mom who fiercely loves her baby.