Hey new mamas, raise your hand if you’ve ever been asked this question:

“Is he a good baby?”

Since you can’t see me over here behind my computer screen, I’ll tell you that my hand is raised high in the air. I have to believe that these questions and comments come from a place of kindness and an attempt to engage in meaningful conversation. However, questions like, “Is he a good baby” were enough to send me down into a deep, dark hole where I didn’t have to talk to or see anybody when my first child was a baby. From the start, he had a high level of needs. Our early days were filled with lots of crying (him and me!), little sleep, and intense breastfeeding challenges. Every time somebody asked me if he was a good baby, I felt like a deer in headlights. What did they want me to say? Why were they asking? Little did they know that I spent all my spare time wondering why he cried so much, why I couldn’t seem to help him feel calm and happy, and what was wrong with me and/or him. I knew I loved him so much, and felt awful for simultaneously loving him and wanting to run as far away as I possibly could from the crying and anxiety. But those asking me the question didn’t want to hear all of this. There’s really not much of a place in our culture for mothers to feel safe being open and honest about the challenges of the newborn and infant days. I really wanted to ask them for their definition of “good baby.” If I’d been able to read their minds, this is what I imagine they were using to define “good baby”:

Characteristics of a “good baby” according to mainstream opinion:

• Baby is quiet and barely cries or fusses
• Baby is an easy feeder
• Baby sleeps for many hours solid at night
• Baby keeps itself entertained and asks for little from anybody

I’m here to tell you what actually makes a “good baby.”

True characteristics of a “good baby”:

• Baby is a baby.

Period. That is it. After some time, I started responding to people who asked me if my child was a good baby (in as kind of a voice as possible) with, “Of course he is good! He’s a baby.” There are babies with higher needs than others and mothering these babies can be immensely challenging. I’ve been there and I know how hard it is. But you know what makes it harder? This implied idea that babies who cry, fuss and need a great deal of help figuring out this big new world are somehow “bad” or worse than other babies. This idea chipped away at me, my confidence in my mothering skills, and my emotional well-being throughout my postpartum days.

Instead of asking this question to new mothers in my life, I try to get real answers and see if they need support or encouragement. I’ll ask them, “What’s going well for you in these early days?”, or “What’s the hardest part for you right now?” I hope that these questions give mothers a chance to share their truths: their triumphs, joys, struggles, and darkest moments. We need to choose carefully the words we use when talking to new mothers because it is a time when moms are especially sensitive to the words and actions of others. What these mothers need is to be listened to, celebrated, supported, and encouraged.

And for all your new mothers out there with babies who wouldn’t meet the typical requirements of “good”: know that your baby is so very good. And please understand that it’s OK if you feel sad, angry, or resentful that you don’t have a baby who is a little “easier” to mother. All of your efforts to meet her needs right now are teaching her that the world is a safe place. It’s hard to see it now, but you will come out of this time with such a deep, strong bond with your child. There will be a love and understanding that will prepare you for the various challenges of raising her at all different stages. Until then, I encourage you to find somebody in your life you can discuss your challenges with and not be judged. Ask for help and be gentle with yourself. You are exactly the mother your baby needs.