Enjoying a day out as birth activists in our community.
Here’s a truth: I sometimes feel guilty or inadequate when I see other moms enjoying the postpartum period. When I think back on the early days of parenthood it seems like the most difficult time of my life. I felt like every day was a reckoning of my worth as a person, and that I continually came up short. Knowing that other mamas have had stressful postpartum experiences helps me go a little easier on myself, but I often wish I could get a do over. I fantasize about what it would be like to have a second baby and how blissful and glorious it would be. Then I recognize the trap I am laying for myself. Isn’t that the expectation I had with baby 1? Didn’t I learn the hard way that expectations only lead to heartbreak and frustration? When will I learn?! Being ok with myself and particularly with my worth as a mother takes daily practice. I thought I would take some time to consider what I did enjoy about the postpartum period. There has to be something, right? Here goes:
1. I felt so much closer and connected to my partner the first few days after the baby was born than I ever had before. I just remember feeling like we were alone on an island in a strange sea and only had each other to cling to. I wish I could bottle this intense love and bond I felt and sprinkle it all over me every day. Thank you Oxytocin.
2. I got mothered and fathered by my incredible parents. I would say that my family prizes self-sufficiency and independence which makes it hard for all of us to admit we need help. Having my first baby allowed me (forced me really) to ask my parents for help. Being physically immobile for a good week and totally overwhelmed emotionally meant that I needed to let others help me if I wanted to survive. In so many ways this was a gift. I got to let down my guard with my parents and felt their love and nurturing in a way I haven’t felt since being a child myself. I’m eternally grateful for that time and their support.
3. I got to hold, nurse, and snuggle my very own baby who wanted me more than anything in the world. Though I talk about how smothering this felt at times, there were plenty of moments when I enjoyed caring for our daughter. In particular I remember being so excited to carry her around in our baby carrier and go for walks. I had been dreaming about having my very own snugly baby to carry around for years and now I finally had one. Those moments were as blissful as I imagined they would be.
4. I got to have lots of positive interactions with strangers who doted on my baby. This is not for everyone, but I really enjoyed the positive attention my baby drew to me. I love interacting with people and it is validating in some weird way when people tell you you have an adorable baby.
5. I got to go to lots of awesome parent and baby activities. I have lots of friends with kids so it was really fun to finally be in the parenting club. I enjoyed going to Postpartum Yoga, La Leche League meetings, and other child-centered activities.
6. I had an excuse to sit on the couch and watch TV or read for hours and hours each day. If you have checked out our Social Supports Quiz you will know what I mean when I say I’m a Relaxation Seeker. I love zoning out to TV, reading books and flipping through magazines – when my daughter was a newborn I had an excuse to lounge around.
7. I got to eat/drink whatever I wanted without worry about how it would affect a growing baby inside me. It’s funny but an OBGYN I didn’t even use as a provider instilled fear in me about eating too much sugar or dairy while I was pregnant. He said I would have a giant baby if I did. So the whole 9 months I tried to be really careful about both of these food groups (two of my favorites). I remember the first week after my daughter was born my parents brought ice cream over and I felt no guilt or worry about going to town on it. I even justified it by telling myself the fat would be good for my breast milk. Also it was glorious to have a glass of wine or a cocktail here and there.
8. I laid on my back again without worrying about cutting off oxygen to baby. Ok, does anyone else think that whole lying on your back thing is an old wives’ tail? I kind of do, but I could never find any medical advice disputing it so I dutifully avoided laying 
on my back in the later days of pregnancy, and leaning back on the couch and generally being comfortable. It was so great to not worry about being in a good position for the baby!
9. I got to play with all our baby gear and clothes. This may seem superficial, but for me finding joy in the little things each day helped me get through the postpartum period. Wrapping baby in a hand crocheted blanket, taking her for a walk in a soft carrier, and dressing her in sweet outfits all helped me slow down, breathe, and enjoy my time with her.
10. I got to re-discover the world from a new perspective as a parent. There were times when I wished I didn’t have a baby to care for, but there were also lots of times where I felt proud and excited to be a parent. The whole world opened up and before every experience I could say to myself, “I wonder how this will be with a baby. ” I also enjoyed thinking about how things will be in the future. I remember walking through the library, baby in the carrier, and feeling so excited for the times ahead when I can share my favorite childhood stories with my daughter. When I could appreciate this new journey I am on it was thrilling to imagine where we might be headed.
Becoming a new parent is a demanding and emotional transition. As I talked with my partner about this week’s blog post he said, “I don’t really remember you being miserable during that time.” This gave me some pause. When I look back it’s as if there is a smoke screen between my memory and what actually happened. It’s almost hard to remember the actual events of that time because what is much more powerful is the emotional experience of the transition. It’s like a cloud of anxiety, self-doubt, and guilt hanging between me and my memories. I told my partner that I agreed that I was not miserable, but that becoming a mom was the hardest transition I have gone through. It was very therapeutic for me to think about the joyful parts of the postpartum experience. My hope is that moms who read this might be able to find small moments of peace, joy, or fulfillment amidst the more challenging times.