After the birth of my first baby, my life was turned upside down.   I didn’t know what to make of my new daily routine and I almost didn’t even recognize myself.  To say I was resistant to these sudden changes would be an understatement.  I did not welcome my new role with grace or acceptance.  It just felt so abrupt, and it happened without much warning.  Why did nobody tell me that everything would be so drastically different?  Why did people talk only about how sweet newborns are and how much they sleep?  My newborn cried so much and he needed me constantly.  And why did nobody warn me that breastfeeding could be hard?  Each feed was a struggle for at least the first six weeks.  During these trying, long weeks, I found myself fantasizing about my old life.  While my fantasies used to involve calling out of work and taking extended vacations to exotic locations, my new fantasies were relatively simple.   Here is what I fantasized about:

1. Showering more than twice a week.
2. Taking a shower at something less than super sonic speed.
3. Sleeping for more than 2-3 hours at a time.
4. Sleeping deeply without worrying about the next time I get woken up.
5. Sleeping in a comfortable position.
6. Cooking a meal from start to finish with no interruptions.
7. Eating a meal from start to finish with no interruptions.
8. Finishing my coffee before it gets cold.
9. Have quality time with my partner that doesn’t involve baby care or talking about the baby.
10. Putting energy into the friendships and relationships in my life.
11. Taking more than 20 minutes of time to myself.

These things, which were a normal part of my previous life, felt so out of reach and I really had trouble believing they would ever come true. I literally could not see how it could change.  But here’s the thing: they pretty much have come true.  My children are now 3 and 5 and I think I can say that almost all of these fantasies are now my reality.  It still may take a bit longer to cook a meal and my alone time with my partner is still less than before we had babies. And I’ve realized things will always be different than my life pre-motherhood.  But the intensity of those newborn days has passed and I have found that with each month, I reclaim a bit of the small daily things and the pieces of myself that are important to me.  And the fact that it will never look quite the same as it did before my children were born?  That’s OK with me.  It’s better than OK, in fact.  I am a different person than I was before them and I like myself better now.  I am gifted with the opportunity to experience daily what it means to love people so deeply that it moves me to tears often.

When I was a new mom with my first baby, I never could have guessed that this sudden life change would be the greatest thing that ever happened to me.  I never could have guessed that I would sleep soundly, enjoy my meals, take frequent showers, and rekindle my other relationships again someday.  And I never, ever could have guessed that I would embrace my role as a mother, even with the changes it has created in my life that ask more of me and demand that I give to others in a way I never did before babies.  If you’re in that place I was in, if you’re questioning why you added this baby to your family and wondering when it will feel OK, know that you’re not alone.  And please try to trust me when I assure you that everything will change over time.  You’ll get back pieces of your old routine and you’ll embrace the new parts of your life.  Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to feel all the feelings you have, remind yourself that you are a good mother, and try to hold on to a slice of hope that your wildest fantasies won’t always involve getting 20 minutes to yourself to shower in peace.