One thing that really surprised me after my daughter was born were the dark thoughts that bubbled to the surface of my consciousness. Even though I suspected that having a child might be difficult, I didn’t expect to feel regretful of my decision. I thought I would just instantly adjust to being a parent, and never look back. This has not been the case.
It’s 3 am. You’re scrolling through your Facebook feed and you see post after post showing your friends looking happy, poised, put together, and normal. You think, “everyone else has got it together except for me.” Sound familiar?
Here’s a truth: I sometimes feel guilty or inadequate when I see other moms enjoying the postpartum period. When I think back on the early days of parenthood it seems like the most difficult time of my life. I felt like every day was a reckoning of my worth as a person, and that I continually came up short. Knowing that other mamas have had stressful postpartum experiences helps me go a little easier on myself, but I often wish I could get a do over.
As most of you know the British royal baby Charlotte was born a couple of weeks ago. There was tons of media coverage, most of which I was blissfully oblivious to, but I did see one article by Amber Robinson over at Essential Baby. It is all about how Kate Middleton’s natural birth allowed her to leave the hospital 10 hours after her baby was born looking fabulous and pain free. By all accounts it was a pretty innocuous article, but it did leave me with a little bit of uneasiness.
Are you anxious or worried about the future? Are you unsure of what to do today? Does every decision about your baby seem to carry more significance than the last? If you are like me you quickly answered yes to all these questions. Let me tell you about my early days of motherhood to help you understand my relationship with anxiety and worry, and why this secret was so powerful for me.