Whenever I talk to older moms about how things are going for me they inevitable remind me to enjoy every  moment because time flies.  So, I’ve started pre-empting folks by stating, “I know time will fly,” or “I’m trying to stay in the moment.” But the truth is, for me, not every moment is really worth remembering.  I had lots of challenging moments with my daughter when she was a newborn.  I had moments of wishing I didn’t have a baby.  I had moments of being very frustrated because she wouldn’t sleep. I had moments feeling trapped because she was sleeping on me.  There were so many moments, and stitched together they tell the story of how I became a mom.  I can reflect on them now with joy, sadness, regret and peace.  But I did not enjoy them all.  I wished time away often.

During the first days of motherhood I counted hours, days, and weeks hoping that if enough time passed I would feel more settled.  At the same time I was constantly telling myself I should be enjoying this time.  Of course I was feeling deeply guilty that I wasn’t. I did work hard to stay in the moment and enjoy all the wonderful things about a newborn.  I was also tired, anxious, and stir crazy.  I really didn’t know what to do with myself.  Motherhood just wasn’t what I expected it to be.  I wasn’t as good at it as I thought I would be.  I did not enjoy the many many moments of not knowing what to do.  I wanted to enjoy the experience I was in, but I also felt that in a few months things would be a little easier.

Parenting does seem to get a little easier, or maybe just different.  Being a parent is always hard.  You child is a growing person changing by the day.  The skills you bring to one stage – or the peace you make with any given circumstance – won’t necessarily apply to the next.  But like any new job you start to learn the ropes slowly but surely.  You find things that make your routine feel manageable.  You prioritize what needs to get done, and hopefully you ask for help when you need it.  So, day by day, parenting does get easier and hopefully the amount of time you spend savoring each moment increases – but seriously, every moment?!  Even if you’re a veteran pro, there will be times that are better forgotten.

What got me thinking about this topic was a recent episode of The Longest Shortest Time. For those of you who haven’t listened, check out this podcast that collects stories from parents describing all sorts of parenting situations. In this episode the producer Joanna Solotaroff is discussing whether or not she wants to have kids. She talks about how working on the podcast initially turned her off of wanting to be a mom because all the real talk about parenting made it sound incredibly hard.  I can totally relate.  But then she talks about envisioning her life 20 years from now and feeling very certain there would be a teenage daughter in her life.  This 20 year plan, so to speak, really struck me.  I immediately did the math and thought of my daughter at 22.  Then promptly teared up.  I thought about what our life will be like in 10 years even – when she’s 12.  I felt an overwhelming amount of joy, gratitude, and excitement for what’s to come.

When my daughter was a newborn I felt so stuck in the mundane routine of parenting.  I still feel that way sometimes.  When you are a new, overwhelmed parent sometimes it’s hard to be in the moment.  The moments can feel expansive and unnerving at times.  It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  So I want to give you permission to think about the future.  Imagine your baby as a toddler, a child, a teen and an adult.  Imagine the strong indescribable bond you are building today that will last your lifetime.  If you aren’t enjoying this moment, that’s ok.  You’ve got a lifetime with this little person.  How exciting is that?  I remember being at the library with my 3 month old one day and looking through the story books.  I imagined us coming one day when she was 7 or 8 and picking out chapter books for me to read to her and I felt excited and grateful – something I hadn’t been feeling much of lately.

There is really no one right way to be a parent.  We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to savor every moment.  We think that we are somehow failing our babies if we don’t cherish each second with them.  The truth is, though, that there are lot’s of moms who didn’t love the baby stage and have gone on to have deeply loving and gratifying relationships with their children.  So, if you’re having a hard day and you want it to end, that’s ok.  If you are fantasizing about the future that’s ok.  We can’t know what’s to come in the future, but we can know it will be different than today.  I try to make peace with where I’m at today and remember that things will not alway be this way. Sometimes a reminder babies grow up to be kids and adults is enough to help me make it through a tough moment.