It was mid-afternoon and, as I stood in front of my television bouncing my very fussy 4-week-old baby, I wished that I could escape. He had been crying on and off (mostly on) since early that morning, and it seemed that I couldn’t figure out any way to soothe him or help him get some good sleep. Every time he seemed to fall asleep, I tried to put him down so I could take a really fast shower. But the instant I took my hands off of him, he awoke with a startle. I felt stuck, overwhelmed, and hopeless. I thought about all the people out in the world, going about their typical day, and I envied them so much. I wanted a different typical day than my new normal. I didn’t want to be rocking and feeding a newborn. I wanted human adult conversation. And I think I also wanted to know that there was at least one other mother out there going through the same thing I was at that very same moment. And to top it all off, I felt absolutely terrible about all of these feelings. What kind of a mother was I to be wishing I were somewhere else?
None of my local friends had babies and barely any of my friends at all had babies yet. I hadn’t been able to get out of the house much yet to find other new moms to connect with and I felt so utterly alone. I wasn’t sleeping well at night, even with nighttime help from my partner, and breastfeeding still hadn’t become easy or natural yet. At this point, the heightened support of the very early days had subsided, and I was left alone with my new baby most days while my partner worked.
On that day, and so many other days just like it, I longed for connection and belonging. I didn’t quite put my finger on it then, but I was lonely and I felt isolated. I found myself anxiously reading random “new mom” advice boards, getting subpar information, imagining all the other postpartum moms were doing great, and still lacking the connection that I was longing for. I didn’t know who to call and, even if I did, I didn’t know what to say or what I needed. I wasn’t quite ready or willing to get out there and make friends. I didn’t even know where to begin. But the internet wasn’t giving me what I needed either. I questioned every decision I had to make, and feared that I was making mistakes all the time. I wondered when things would get better and had no faith that they ever would get better.
Our dominant culture in America puts so many mothers in this situation of postpartum isolation that I found myself in. Nobody warned me that I’d need to continue to reach out for support for weeks and months after the birth. Nobody continued to check in with me after the first few weeks. And it felt like everybody expected me to be overjoyed and living in a state of bliss with my new baby.
We need better ways to connect moms to local support networks and other local new moms. We need to harness the power of the internet and social media to truly help new moms. I’m sharing this piece of my story today so that you know you’re not the only new mama to feel isolated and alone. In addition to my work with mamas who are local to me, I’ve been working hard to use the the internet to share postpartum truths and provide support for new mothers. My greatest hope is to reach those new mamas who feel alone and isolated. I recognize the challenges of the postpartum period and I want to surround you with love, support, validation, and help.