The holiday season is upon us.  What has been a joyful, festive time in the past can suddenly feel overwhelming and exhausting for many parents with a new baby.  When my first son was 5 months old, I made a big mistake.  I decided to host Thanksgiving, for both my husband’s and my family, at our home.  I’m not surprised that I did this – it fell right in line with the image of a thriving new mom that I was so desperately trying to portray.  I’m not sure if I pulled it off and appeared to have it all together, but I can tell you that I did not feel like I was thriving.  I was still struggling with adjusting to my new identity, dealing with a birth and postpartum period that did not go as I had hoped, and completely exhausted from our constant battle with sleep.  My baby required a lot of focus and attention and was never one of those babies you could just plop down on a blanket and go about your business.  So this Thanksgiving celebration, and the days of preparation leading up to it, were insanely stressful and hard for me.

The holidays have the potential to truly further complicate life for new parents.  But they don’t have to be quite so challenging, and you can even maintain some semblance of joy.  Here are some ideas for surviving the holidays with a new baby:

1.  Don’t host!  Learn from my mistake.  The cooking, cleaning, planning, etc. is stressful even for somebody without a new baby.  Give yourself permission to skip hosting this year and you’ll erase so many potential points of stress.
2. Give yourself a pep talk before each gathering.  Holiday parties may be the first time you see family members and friends since you’ve had a baby.  Inevitably, many of these people will have opinions on how you’re choosing to feed, comfort, and overall raise your baby.  Some people will be more vocal about this than others.  And even if most of them keep their opinions to themselves, you may feel self-conscious if you’re making decisions that you know are counter to those they are making or made with their own children.  Before each gathering, remind yourself why you’re making the choices you are.  Even write down your reasons if you need to.  It can be easy to let your confidence get shaken, and it’s understandable if this happens, but reminding yourself of your reasons for your choices will help in the face of others’ opinions.
3. Decide how to respond to others’ opinions.  Make a plan for how you will respond if any of your relatives or friends is vocal about his or her alternative opinions.  This way you won’t have to respond on the fly, when you’re already feeling uncomfortable.  Depending on what feels right to you, here are some options: Smile and say, “Thanks for that idea.”.  Say, “That sounds like an interesting idea.  This is working for us right now.  I love how different approaches work well for different families.  Say, “we’re choosing to do X because Y…”  You never need to explain yourself, but some people will be genuinely interested and you may have a great conversation.
4. Use a baby carrier and wear your baby.  If your baby prefers to be held by you or your partner and your’e not excited about passing him/her around, wear your baby in your favorite wrap or sling when you attend gatherings.  People are much less likely to ask to hold the baby or even take him/her out of your arms when he/she is attached to you!
5. Use feeding the baby as an opportunity to get some peace and quiet.  If you’re overwhelmed or need a break during a gathering, take the baby somewhere private to breastfeed or formula feed.
6. Or feed the baby in the midst of the party!  If you’re comfortable breastfeeding around others, don’t let the gatherings deter you.  It’s perfectly OK for your baby to eat in front of others, just as the rest of the guests will be eating in front of others.
7. Don’t overcommit.  Pick and choose how much you want to do this holiday season.  Maybe this year you won’t attend as many parties and you won’t make the homemade gifts you usually make.  Use this season as a time to draw into your own family, find some quiet, take naps, and be gentle with yourself.  Your first holiday with a new baby is a one-time experience and you might find that giving you and your baby some more space and time from the commotion will make the season more enjoyable.

If you’re embarking on this holiday season with a new baby, we wish you happiness and peace.  Remember that you don’t need to stress yourself out in order to maintain the appearance that this transition is super easy and seamless.  Check in with yourself about how you’re doing and decide what you can realistically handle.  Talk with your partner and your family about your needs and take care of yourself and your baby first.