Can you guess what it is? If you’re a new parent, you’ve most likely received it multiple times. Chances are, you’ve also given it. I know I’ve given it to new moms too. And I don’t think the particular advice in itself is bad postpartum advice. It’s actually very logical. But it’s not enough because it won’t work for every new mama. Have you guessed what it is yet?
“Sleep when the baby sleeps.”
It’s everywhere and I bet we’ve all heard it, said it, or both. But a recent conversation with a New Mama Project reader opened my eyes to the problematic part of this advice. I’m so grateful to her for sharing her struggles and challenges surrounding the advice to sleep when your baby sleeps.
Does pretending to sleep when the baby sleeps count?
Here’s why it’s logical advice: Sleep is crucial to well-being. I’m sure you can identify with the way a lack of sleep eventually leaves you with a fuzzy brain, short temper, and general unease. Parenting a newborn is no walk in the park, and doing it while sleep-deprived is even harder. We just function better and stay healthier when we are well rested. It makes sense to do absolutely everything you can do, and to make some sacrifices, to prioritize sleep in the early days with your baby.
Here’s why it’s infuriating advice: What if you simply can’t sleep when the baby sleeps? What if you are bone-tired, but the minute you lie down, your mind races and you just can’t shut it down? What if you’re too anxious to leave your sleeping baby with somebody else and go in a different room to sleep? What if you’re just not a daytime sleeper? What if your baby is finally asleep and you’re dying to shower, eat in peace, read your favorite book, or hang out with your partner? What if you have another child (or multiple other children) and they need you to be awake? The list goes on and I’m sure there are even more reasons that it’s hard for some new moms to sleep when their newborn is sleeping. When new moms hear this advice, and can’t make it happen for one reason or another, they may be left feeling hopeless and lost for alternatives. I’m not encouraging us to stop recommending that new moms sleep when baby sleeps, but I am encouraging all of us to also offer more ideas about how to do that and what might work if sleeping when the baby sleeps is just not happening.
I’ve brainstormed some additional ideas that might help tired new moms:
– Try to find a relaxation ritual that might help you feel calm enough to sleep when your baby is sleeping. It can be as simple as a breathing exercise. You might also try aromatherapy, meditation, a warm shower or bath before sleeping, or anything else that has relaxed you in the past. This post has some other ideas for resting and sleeping with a newborn.
– Try keeping your phone in another room when you want to sleep or rest. I know many people who find it hard to relax when their phone is right there and they can grab it and scroll so easily.
– Once breastfeeding is well established (and if you feel comfortable giving your baby a bottle), you could agree that your partner will do one bottle feed each night. If baby wakes to feed, and you’re actually sleeping soundly, your partner could bridge the gap and help you keep sleeping.
– Consider enlisting help to keep your house in a state that feels OK to you. If you don’t mind a bit of mess, let it go! But if you’d like dishes, laundry, and basic cleaning to keep happening, ask for help from family or consider hiring help if you can afford it. Then you don’t have to worry about those chores when you could be sleeping.
– Consider co-sleeping at night. If baby is in your room, you won’t need to get up and walk somewhere else and then return to bed. This could help you stay more calm and relaxed and make it easier to fall back asleep after feeding.
– If your mind just won’t stop racing and sleep is truly elusive, consider reaching out for mental health support from a therapist. There are so many tools and strategies that you may not be aware of.