HINT: Your partner isn’t a mind reader. It would be just perfect if our partners and top support people could read our minds and know exactly what we need during each moment of these early days of mothering. Unfortunately, they can’t.
Over on my doula website, I wrote a post about communicating effectively with your partner as your birth approaches so that he/she knows what you anticipate needing during labor and birth. I’ve put a new spin on those thoughts for you in an effort to help you and encourage you to communicate with your partner about the postpartum support you need right now.
What do you need to be the mother you hope to be? What specific things could your partner do to help you rest, heal, and bond with baby? What might help you grow your confidence and deal with the most challenging parts of postpartum? Go ahead, think about your answers to those questions. You can even jot them down if you want to. Now think about your partner or main support person. Does he or she know how you answered these questions? If your answer is “no” or even “probably”, it’s time to sit down and talk.
It’s normal to be experiencing some level of strain in your relationship after the birth of a baby. You are in uncharted territory together and there is so much learning and adjusting to do. When I speak with new mothers who are experiencing some tension in their relationship with their partner or discontent with the level of support their partner is offering, I find that many are having a hard time speaking effectively with their partner about what they need. While it’s true that what you want or need may seem incredibly obvious to you, in most cases it’s not as obvious to your partner (there’s that mind-reading thing again). Sometimes it’s as simple as just openly stating what you need (ex: I am feeling physically exhausted and would love it if you could run a load of laundry and get the dishes done).
If you’re feeling like it’s hard to sit down and have a conversation about what you need right now, here are some ideas to help you get started:
- Journal your answers to the questions at the beginning of this post. Just write freely about exactly what you want and need for support right now.
- Remind yourself that you and your partner love each other and that you both ultimately want what’s best for your family.
- Ask your partner some of the following questions to gauge his/her feelings about this transition. Many times, partners aren’t asked how they’re doing during the postpartum days and yours may have some thoughts to share.
- How are you feeling about everything right now?
- Do you have any fears or concerns?
- Is there anything you need more of right now?
- Allow your partner to share without fear of judgment. If there are any concerns, work as a team to address them.
- Share your feelings and concerns with your partner. Tell him/her what you wrote about and what you most need right now.
- Try to come up with a plan together.
- Commit to more open communication in the days to come.
I know this can all be very hard. For more ideas and support on this, sign up to get our social supports guide or join our retreat for new mamas that begins January 10. I encourage you to start this conversation with your partner soon, even if things seem to be going pretty well. The more open your lines of communication are, the more you will all thrive during the postpartum days and years down the road.