This is a blog post I wrote when my baby was about 8 months old.  You would think I had gotten the hang of things by that point and adjusted to my new role, but I was still struggling mightily. I haven’t shared this until now in part because of the shame and fear I have about admitting this truth.  It is EXACTLY one year since I originally wrote this, and I still have many moments where I’m not sure I like this new role.  Luckily the demands on me have eased a bit as my daughter has grown into a toddler. I’ve started working outside the home so I get to also be in the world as a professional adult in addition to a mother, and this balance works for me right now. Motherhood is a wonderful winding journey.  I’ve been to the darkest and most brilliant moments of my life on this road. I haven’t quite figured out how to be the best mother I can and enjoy every minute of it, but what I have figured out is that if I admit the challenges and disappointments I can let them go.  So here it is.

From January 25, 2014

Ok, I said it – in fact I admitted it out loud to my partner today, “I’m not sure I like being a mom.  I don’t like motherhood.” Some people have asked me if I love motherhood, and all I can usually do is gape open-mouthed at them.  How do I answer this question?  I mean I know that I’m supposed to say, “Yes, it’s amazing, I’ve found my true self,” but that’s not what is going on in my head.  I’m not very good at saying what others want to hear.  So today, on yet another cold day at my rural home where the baby took tortuously short naps and I couldn’t muster the energy to do much around the house, but felt like there was so much to do, I realized that maybe I don’t like this so much.  Thinking back to a year ago when I was so free and unconstrained I longed for the ability to trade it all in.

Today felt a little dark for me.  Winter is dragging on here, I felt lonely and isolated and couldn’t immediately solve that problem.  What I did do was admit a truth to myself and to my partner – “I’m not sure I like this just yet.”  I have faith that I will like it at some point, or maybe it will just become the new normal and I will forget what life was like before.  I think for now it’s important to just be real about this role in life.  The images we are shown of motherhood are often blissful, the questions friends and family ask are usually leading, “Don’t you just love being a mom?” “Isn’t it so wonderful to be able to stay home with your baby?”  How do you answer that? It doesn’t seem to be ok to be the jerk that says, “well I think I’m glad I get to stay home, but it’s f**king boring some days.” Nobody wants to hear this. As parents we are often faced with reconciling ambivalent feelings about our role and it can seem inappropriate to express any negative feelings, especially when you’ve chosen to have a child. Where do I get off complaining about this? No one forced me to have a kid – in fact some parent friends actively tried to dissuade us from having kids.

On the one hand I marvel at the beautiful baby that I created with my partner and on the other hand I long for my freedom. When do I stop grieving for my life lost and start embracing this new identity?  So many of my uncertainties about parenthood bring me back around to the lack of community and story sharing that happens in our modern world.  Parenting is currently a very private endeavor.  We try to keep the messy parts of it under wraps and tend to glorify or gloss over our experience, especially with the advent of social media.  I love those rare posts that a parent puts up on Facebook about the difficult day they’ve had.  It is so uplifting to know I’m not alone, and I appreciate the courage it takes to present this vulnerability. Perhaps if we opened our doors and shared our true experiences we’d feel more supported.

So many women (and many dads) are suffering silently and alone with postpartum depression and other perinatal mood and anxiety disorders.  We know that a support network is key in reducing the risk for the isolation, loneliness, and feelings of failure associated with postpartum depression.  Yet it remains difficult to reach out and access one’s support network. I feel guilty that I am not enjoying this experience more. I feel a sense of failure that I am not enjoying it more.  This has been the hardest year of my life because I struggle every day to relinquish control, let go of attachment to how I want things to go, and accept myself and my daughter where we are at right now.  There’s a powerful voice within me telling me I need to get this right.  I want to be the typical overachiever that has been successful in most other aspects of my life.  In parenting that overachieving drive has brought me nothing but anxiety and frustration. I’m not trying to beat myself up here, but I am trying to reflect on past behaviors and mindsets that are not serving me in this new role.  When I soften into the unknown, flow with what is working in the moment, and detach from goals and desired outcomes I find more contentment.

This is the struggle.  Every moment of every day I am challenged to let go of a way of being in the world that had served me fairly well for the past 30 years. How do I embrace a new approach to life that is more in tune with my new role as a parent.  Wow, I’m not sure if that idea had crystalized in my consciousness until I typed it out.  No wonder why this is excruciatingly hard.  I’m still in mourning for who I was and what my life was like.  I still miss the comfort of knowing who I am in the world- even if it is a little much.  I like the idea of who I am becoming, but I’m having some growing pains.