Why isn’t the baby sleeping?
Why is she crying
Why am I crying?
Why did my birth go that way?
Why doesn’t my partner understand what I’m saying?
Why is the baby’s poop green?
Why did the baby sleep through the night last night?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Little poll here, who has asked themselves, their moms, their doctors, their partners, their babies, “Why?” This question constantly haunted me during the postpartum period. I wanted to know why things were or weren’t happening. I felt like if I could understand “why” then I could make sense of my life at that moment. If I could figure out why sometimes the baby slept for 20 minutes and sometimes she slept for 2 hours then I could get her to sleep for 2 hours every time. I tried mightily to answer “why.” I had a bookshelf full of books to tell me what my baby should do and why she would do it. I googled EVERYTHING. I searched the web for answers and I got many. I got so many answers to my why questions that they created their own questions. When I reflect back on why my baby did or didn’t do something I expected, I can honestly say I don’t know why. What I do know is that trying to find out “why” led me to focus on unattainable goals, stress about typical newborn behavior, and miss opportunities for self-care and relaxation.
Seeking the answer to “why” is a very long, winding, and indirect road towards a goal you probably can’t reach. I often felt like a researcher creating a hypothesis and seeking to determine whether my hypothesis was valid or not. Sometimes I would get evidence in favor and sometimes against. Sometimes I settled on a baby caring technique based on my hypotheses that seemed to help for a while. More often I embarked on some type of intervention (usually aimed at promoting sleep) that was stressful for me to implement and seemed to make no difference in the baby’s behavior. Focusing on why things were the way they were meant focusing on how to change things. I spent so much of my postpartum days trying to change things, that I added additional stress to my already challenging life.
Understanding newborn behavior involves a bit of seeking answers and a lot of accepting the unknown. Sure, there are times when it is VERY important to understand why things are the way they are. I’m thinking of serious health issues or mental health issues. In these situations understanding why something is happening can help you make changes to keep everyone healthy and happy. But, on a typical day, with a healthy baby, asking yourself “why” may just drive you crazy. Here are some things I asked “why” about and the answers I found:
Q: Why is my baby breathing in such a weird way? A: Newborns breathe in a funny way sometimes.
Q: Why does my baby seem to want to nurse more than 8-12 times a day? A: Some babies need to nurse more.
Q: Why did I tear so bad during childbirth? A: You just did.
Q: Why was my baby so small when she was born? A: Some babies are just born small.
Q: Why did she sleep for 4 hours on Monday night but only 1 hour on Tuesday night? A: Who the f**k knows?
Honestly I could list a hundred other questions that I asked myself, my doctor, my doula, my midwife, my mom, and just about any other sane person I met. The answers were almost always similar to those above. Which is to say, not helpful or informative. Explanations of newborn behavior are almost always based on someone’s personal experience, which means not always applicable to you. In the end, newborns are just funny little creatures getting used to the world and they will grow, change, and do mysterious things. If you can just accept them them the way they are you may create some space in your life to enjoy them.
Asking “why” robbed me of so many opportunities to practice self-care. I remember there was a period in time I was really worried that my daughter had a horrible genetic disorder. I spent so much time reading about various genetic disorders and trying to figure out if she had any or all of them. All because I was trying to figure out “why.” It turns out that my daughter is completely healthy, which I know is not true for every baby. So, what did I learn in all my efforts to answer why?
I learned about all the different genetic disorders that emerge at birth.
I learned that if I stay up late googling worrisome stuff I will have a hard time sleeping.
I learned that sometimes you just need to wait and see how things go rather than trying to solve every little mystery.
I learned that caring for a baby is not like conducting a scientific experiment – there is no clear method or progression.
I learned that trying to answer all my “why” questions took a lot of energy and did not make parenting easier.
Asking why is sometimes an important first step to solving real and significant problems. In those situations I encourage mamas to fiercely search for an answer to their questions. But, if you are driving yourself mad trying to understand every little twitch and pimple I encourage you to ask yourself some other questions instead of why. Here are some suggestions:
What could I be doing right now to take care of myself?
How will knowing the answer to this question change this moment right now?
When will I make time to relax today?
Who can I call to help me deal with the fact that I will never know why….?
I know that you are a smart, capable, and devoted mother. I know that you are doing the best to care for your baby. If you are like me, part of that care is understanding why baby is doing what she’s doing. I really get it, I promise. I want to know why too! But sometimes you will just never know why. Things will change, things will probably get easier, and many of the things that occupy your consciousness now will fade as the months go by. So, see if you can do what I couldn’t and stop asking why. Why not at least try?